Monday, June 9, 2014

The View From Below

 Not an actual image of my floor, but you get the idea... (Thank you Wikimedia Commons)

        I'm spending a lot of time on the floor these days. It's not by choice, believe me. Kiley, at five months old, spends practically all of her time on the floor – rolling around, worming around, rolling over, almost sitting up, scooting on her belly, advancing slowly but surely toward crawling – and I'm down there in the trenches with her. When I say it's not by choice I mean it. If I didn't have to be there I certainly wouldn't be. Not only is it hard at my age to get down on the floor but once there it's practically impossible to get back up. All right, all right, impossible is an exaggeration but it's extremely difficult, okay. The middle-aged body – yes middle- aged – was not designed to be constantly heaving its self into a standing position using only the feeble strength of its aging, though still sexy, legs.

         Actually, I'm not yet willing to concede the point that it is my age that is responsible for the difficulty. There are far too many possibly possible factors in play to, absolutely and without a doubt determine, that my body not being what it once was is the root cause of the difficulty. After all, to mention just one possibly possible factor, the earth is gaining about 40,000 tons of weight per year simply from stuff filtering down from space. That means that the earth is about one and a half million tons heavier now than it was when I was twenty-one. Tons mind you! Do you know how many elephants that is? Neither do I, but the point is that the gravity of the Earth is increasing all the time. No wonder I can't get off the floor, it's a wonder I can get out of bed with all that gravity. So it could be the gravity, right? Right? Anyway, whatever the cause, trust me it's an effort to get up off the floor.

        But it's not just the difficulty of getting up and down that makes the floor undesirable. When was the last time you saw your floors close up? First of all, before I go any further let me assure you that I vacuum every day. Okay, not every room but definitely the family room where Kiley hangs out. I even use the Rinse-N-Vac regularly and yet this is how clean the carpet is? Being this close to the down and dirty makes it painfully obvious how dirty the "down" is, and this is without my glasses. (Do you know how many dust mites there are in the average carpet? Do you know how many dust mites there are on the average pillow? Do you know what they eat? I won't disturb your peace of mind by informing you but this is what they look like.)

        Do I need a new vacuum? I can't imagine I do. I have one of those really good ones that cost a fortune. It's supposed to do a good job. This is what they consider a good job? I can only assume that all of these fantastic "wonder machines" are actually designed to clean your floors just enough so that they look clean from a height of about five feet or so. But get closer and it's another story. It's all about appearing clean not being clean. Another misconception we are all laboring under. Still, I guess we only have ourselves to blame. After all, this is the world we've created. One where it is better to look good than be good (the Kardashians), better to talk good than deliver the goods (Obama), better to feel good than do good (practically all of us). So I guess we've got the floors we deserve and there is nothing for it but to embrace the horror that is my family room carpet. In fact, while I'm down here maybe, just maybe, I can turn this to my advantage. If I could just figure a way to communicate with the dust mites, win their allegiance, and train them to do my bidding there is nothing I couldn't accomplish. Imagine me, the queen of retribution, striding over the face of the Earth with legions of loyal dust mites behind me. I'd make some people pay believe me. I'd start with the vacuum manufacturers but it wouldn't end there, oh no, it wouldn't end there! Mmmmmwwwwwaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

This post linked to the GRAND Social


  1. Well I should sleep well tonight...thanks!

    1. It's always easier to sleep well when you have company and you should have about 1,000 at least of these guys (pictured above) to snuggle up to.