Why?

        The world must be a confusing place for a three-year-old. Before that age children take the world at face value. Mackey does. To her, the world is the way it is and things are the way they are simply because that's just the way it is and there is no need for any further explanation. She can't imagine anything other than what she has experienced so she doesn't question beyond what she knows. She doesn't even think to question it. She dwells in the age of innocence, the Garden of Eden. Somewhere around three, however, children  come to the stage in their development where they no longer simply accept the world as it is without questioning. They have somehow figured out, on a very basic level, that there are such forces at work as action and reaction, cause and effect, growth and change, and that some things are connected or related to each other. In other words, a three-year-old is beginning to realize that things happen and are the way they are for a reason. Unfortunately, because of their limited experience and knowledge, someone so young may realize that there are underlying causes to just about everything but, for the most part, have no idea what those causes are.

        Kiley is three. As a three-year-old she is becoming full of questions. The "who", "what", "when", "where", and "how" of just about everything have suddenly become very important to her. She is now constantly asking questions and I am constantly answering them as best I can. "Who", "what", "when", and "where" are usually easy queries to satisfy. "How" is sometimes a little tougher. And then, of course, there is the most fundamental of questions. The one that usually strikes at the heart of things and is therefore the most frequently asked, especially by a three-year-old who is trying to figure out how the world works. The one that is, more often than not, the hardest to answer and, as fate would have it, the one that Kiley and most three-year-olds are most fond of. My days are now plagued by what, at three years and three months old, has suddenly become Kiley's favorite word – "why?"

        Who invented the word "why"? I want his name. Such a criminal act should not go unpunished. I thought it was bad enough when Kiley's favorite word was "no!" but "why?" is a much more vexing word. "No" can be dealt with fairly easily. An appropriate response to "no" requires only persistence and calm resolve, things that fifty-nine years of living have endowed me with in abundance. An appropriate response to "why", on the other hand, often requires knowledge, a much harder commodity to come by. And when I say it requires knowledge I don't mean simply the knowledge required on my part to correctly answer any given "why?" That's hard enough. No one knows everything. I certainly don't. So there are many questions that Kiley may come up with on a daily basis that I simply have no answer for, and, in such cases, must revert to the perennial default position - "Because that's just the way it is". This of course, is unsatisfying to the questioner, and I try to avoid such an easy out whenever possible. (The Internet helps with that. The answer to any particular question is only a Google away.)  But my own lack of knowledge is only half the problem in satisfying her curiosity. In fact, it is less than half the problem. More often than not it isn't my lack of knowledge that stands in the way, it's her's.

        The real difficulty in satisfying a three-year-old's never ending questions is her ability to understand the answers. That is primarily because they have a small foundation of knowledge to draw upon. We adults have a relatively large foundation of knowledge. There is plenty of technical knowledge on any given subject that only a rather small subset of individuals possess, but generally speaking there is a basic foundation of knowledge that all adults share. So when a simple question is asked, and a simple answer is given an adult is satisfied and no further explanation is required. The answers to any further questions that might arise from the original answer are already available in the adult's foundation of knowledge. At least to a certain point. With a three-year-old, however, there are no simple answers. Because of their limited foundation of knowledge any answer given merely raises another question as they try to drill down to the ultimate answer of "why?".

        Here is a conversation I had with Kiley last week:
             "Is Mommy going to the mall with us?"
             "No. Mommy is at work."
             "Why?"
             "Because she had to go to work."
             "Why?"
             "Because she has to make money."
             "Why?"
             "Because you need money to buy things."
             "Why?"
             "Because nothing is free. You have to pay for them."
             "Why?"
             "Because that's just the way it is."

        Here the questioning stops; because Kiley has learned that "Because that's just the way it is" is the ultimate answer, and that any further questioning beyond that yields no deeper understanding. What she does not know at this point is that there are answers beyond that, and that there is a deeper understanding to be had, an understanding that she will not be able to comprehend until she learns much more about the world. By continually asking "why" she is expanding her foundation of knowledge and, therefore, her ability to comprehend the answers to the "whys" of the world. As a human being she does this instinctively.

         In a very real sense we are all in the same boat as Kiley. Our understanding of any given subject is limited by the number of "whys" we have answers for. Regardless of how much knowledge we amass as individuals or as a species, no matter how deeply we drill down, no matter how many "whys" we ask, eventually we reach a question that, as yet, can only be answered with: "Because that's just the way it is." We are all merely children in the grand scheme of things, God's children, and like Kiley we will forever be asking "why" because the sum of all knowledge is beyond mortal comprehension. Only the Mackeys of the world have it truly figured out. Only they, in their innocence, don't even think to ask "why", perhaps because they instinctively know that for beings such as us, with a finite capacity for understanding, all questions ultimately have the same answer. Why? "Because that's just the way it is."

Nan

Kiley At Three

        Three years old! I can't believe it. Kiley is three years old. How can that be? It seems like it was just last week that she was only one year old. Okay, bad joke, but seriously, time really does fly. When we were first thrown together three years ago Kiley was just a tiny little larva with eyes too big for her face and abilities that were limited to eating, sleeping, crying and pooping. Now she is a walking, talking, climbing, jumping, affectionate, loving, obstinate, tantrum throwing, fashion conscious, potty-trained, fully formed little person.

At three, Kiley now has her own opinions, at least on subjects she is knowledgeable about such as "Barbie" (a cartoon you would not believe!), cinnamon rolls, and whether or not her sister has an inalienable right to certain objects and behaviors. She also has her own way of looking at things. In other words she has her own personality, and like all three-year-olds, and all people for that matter, she is one part angel and one part devil.

The angel part of her nature is most likely to express itself in the morning when she first arrives at "Nan's" house (bright and early at 6:30am). When I go out to the car to greet her in the morning she is usually overjoyed to see me. She loves Nan and loves coming to Nan's house. That said, the first word out of her mouth when I open the car door every morning is " Tom?" meaning "Is Uncle Tom home?" When the answer is "yes" it is an extra special day for her. She is usually very pleasant in the morning (whether Uncle Tom is home or not). She arrives still in her "jamas" and is generally loath to change them for regular clothes. I don't know if that is because she prefers "jamas" to regular clothes or whether she just doesn't want to go through all the effort of changing. I suspect it is the latter.

        Breakfast can sometimes be a struggle because Kiley is not a big eater. She doesn't seem to really like to eat, unless it is cinnamon rolls, and I generally have to coax and coerce her into devouring the proper nutrients in the morning. I am not always successful in this regard and have the same problem at lunchtime. She often seems to be able to run all day without eating and without getting hungry. Where does she get the energy? Her metabolic processes must be unnaturally efficient. Or maybe she's cold blooded, you know, part reptile. Snakes and the like can go for weeks or more on a single rat, and Kiley can go all day on a single bowl of Rice Krispies if you let her (you can't give her Lucky Charms because she just picks out the marshmallows and eats just them). She likes fruit, especially bananas, and her favorite vegetable is green beans. She loves anything that tastes like mint. She drinks milk and fruit juice all day and she still prefers a sippy cup to a big-girl-cup, which is fine with me and with my carpets.

        Her tastes in TV programming have evolved over time with her favorite show progressing from the initial "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" (insipid Disney) to "Doc McStuffins" (cute and clever Disney) to "Tickety Toc" (bizarre alternate reality) to "Barbie" (campy parody on the perennial glamour doll) and finally to her present favorite 'Bo On The Go" (a children's animated exercise program). Added to regular programming are her favorite animated movies: "Lilo And Stitch" (destructive alien bonds with destructive little girl),  "The Croods" (caveman family evolves), "Brave" (red-haired Celtic princess learns lessons), and, of course "Fozen" (Disney's version of  "The Snow Queen"). And, not surprisingly, there are various less favored favorites of both categories too numerous to mention. That said, Kiley uses the TV primarily for just background noise the way I do. She is usually far to busy with other things to really pay attention to what is on the tube.

        The angel part of her nature dominates until approximately mid-afternoon. Mid-afternoon is the time when she normally begins to get tired. And that is where the devil part of her nature hides, in tiredness. As is normally the case with small children, tired equals cranky, and cranky equals impatience, obstinence, temper, selfishness, and rebellion.

        The cure for all of this, as every mother knows, is naptime. Unfortunately, because the devil part of her nature with its obstinate rebelliousness dominates at naptime, it is often very hard to get Kiley to actually take a nap. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, and you can make a little girl lie down but you can't make her sleep, not when she doesn't want to. And she never wants to. Sleep is boring. Sleep takes her away from the things she wants to do in spite of her crankiness. Sleep is unfair and unjust. Sleep is her enemy.

        And so I have to circumvent her natural objection to naptime, and there are various strategies I have developed to accomplish the impossible. "Lie down and close your eyes" accomplishes nothing, one must be more subtle, more clever, more devious. It is deviousness that separates man from the beasts of the field, and fifty-nine years of living have honed my inherent deviousness to a sharp point. The crux of any sleep inducing strategy must be misdirection. Don't say the word "nap", don't say the word "sleep", don't say the phrase "lie down". In lieu of all of these, simply use the phrase "let's watch a movie". Then off handedly suggest that the best vantage point from which to watch said movie might be the sofa. Next, simply inquire: "where's "Snuggy"?"  Once "Snuggy" has been obtained, "Frozen" put on, and the sofa occupied, just lie down yourself. Don't suggest that she lie down as well. That will create suspicion. Simply lie down on the sofa and a three-year-old's natural inclination to cuddle will do the rest. Once she is cuddled, just slowly begin to rub her softly on the back, just barely touching her skin with the tips of your fingers and before you know it, "voila", sleep happens. There are many variations of this same strategy, and they should be employed randomly in order to avoid any detection of a pattern. Once she falls asleep, Kiley is out for a couple of hours.  Ah, blessed is quiet and gentle sleep, especially for the one not sleeping. Small children need sleep in the afternoon. You just have to coax them into it.

        By the time Kiley awakens, it is only a short time before her mother comes to pick her up and another day is done. Off she goes to the car to be buckled in amid a plethora of hugs and kisses and promises of tomorrow, a process that takes at least fifteen minutes. More kisses are blown as the car pulls away then it's time to make dinner. She'll be back again in the morning, bright and early, and another day of adventure will begin. And such is our daily life together, interspersed with trips, activities, and surprises to keep things interesting for both Kiley and me - and her little sister Mackey, of course. I'll tell you all about her next week.

-Nan